Bigger Than This.

I know my boundaries and I know my limits.
I know when I've been upset for too long.
I know when I need my people.
I know that there is no easy fix.
I know that this feeling is not a death sentence.

Part of me says, 'It is a chance to grow, and chance to become bigger than what you thought you could be.'

The other part is saying, 'Why am I not asleep? I'm tired. I'm always tired.'

I give in to me a lot. I let me sleep for hours without reason. I let me eat just PopTarts and Cape Cod chips for a day. I let me cry just because I need to. I let me skip class when it physically hurts to think about being a part of one. I let me be sad because if I didn't, I wouldn't be doing it right.

With that said, I watch myself, incredibly closely. I talk myself up in the mirror when I need it. I take longer showers just because I want them. I watch Law and Order when I ought to be doing homework. I put makeup on so when I walk by the mirror I don't feel ugly, even when I don't leave my room.

I know when I've hit too low of a level. Right now, I haven't.

I am doing good. I am taking care of myself.

I don't love my life. I don't love my situation. But I know better than to let that become my life.

I am capable of so much more than this. I have more perseverance than the suck that this permeating this life.

Now, today was a good day. I took today for myself. I remembered everything that I am fighting for, and that helps, that is good. Days like this make it easier to get through another week.

Days like this remind me that I am bigger than all of this.

Missing The Mark?

Let's talk for a moment about bullying and the messages sent out this month.

A lot the messages out there have been about things getting better. The message has consistently been, 'Move past this. Look beyond this. Your life will get better.' That is phenomenal, and probably true.

Except for the fact that when you are in that place, that dark place, no one can reach you. Even if they could you wouldn't know how to let them help you- that is when there is no future. It becomes incredibly hard to look past where you are, to see what you could have. Because all you see at that point is the loneliness. You feel the world caving in around you and nothing else feels real or tangible. So the future? The better parts? They don't exist at that point.

So who are we reaching with these messages? Well, plenty of people, legions of people really. But the people that aren't getting the message are the ones that need it most.

What about the bullies? What about the people that are making lives unbearable? Who is making YouTube videos telling them to fuck off and grow up?

Who is out there finding the lost ones, the ones at the bottom of the dark hole, saving them? Those people, they aren't watching viral videos or shooting the breeze on Coco Perez, they are sleeping the day away. They are curled up on their couch, crying as they watch a Campbell's soup commercial because they can no longer cry for everything they are sick of feeling.

What are we doing for them? What are we doing to stop this?

I don't know.

I do know that I can't reach everyone, and I would never claim to be helping more than anyone else. But, I just can't help but think we are reaching the important ones here.

Maybe I'm wrong. That happens more often than not. Either way, shouldn't we be talking to everyone else too? What about the people that have the ability to stand up and say something? The people that can stand up against the word 'fag' or 'fatty' or 'retard' or anything. The people that should stand up against attacks on Facebook, or any internet interaction. Where are the hundreds of celebrity videos talking to them, to us?

I am so happy that bullying and depression have this light right now, really I am. I just hope it is making a true difference.

The One Where I Hate On College

"How's college? Do you love it? Is it fun? How are classes? Have you met any cool people? How are the weekends, fun? The campus, do you like the campus? What about your roommate? Oh, and your dorm, and the food, what about the food?"

Twenty questions: College edition.

I hate it.

I hate it.

It's not fun.

My classes are boring, and easy as hell.

Yeah, there are people here I enjoy, and I spend my time with, but they aren't my people.

The weekends are dead, I fully expect zombies to start roaming the campus. (Which would be an improvement.)

The campus is nice enough, small enough, clean enough, but I didn't come here because of the landscaping.

My roommate, is a story in and of itself. She's not bad, really she isn't. But it's an adjustment.

My dorm? It could be worse.

The food? I don't eat it. I have recently created the 'PopTarts and Easy Mac Slim Down Success' diet.

So yeah. And honestly I do not know what I am going to do.

"Well get out of there! Are you going to transfer? You should really transfer."

Okay, to where? We all know I didn't want to be here in the first place. I just, I never thought it was going to be this bad. I never thought I was going to hate it this much.

I mean, I actually say, nearly everyday, "I hate my life." Who wants that? In what world is that fun and something that I want for the next four years of my life? I don't, I honestly don't want that.

But I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do with myself. I have to stay for at least a year, and most people say that after the first year it's not so bad. What does that mean? It means they settle. It means you get used to hating your life and hating where you are. It means settling more than I already have. Sorry, but no.

So I'll look at schools. I might transfer, I might not.

I'll schedule some time to get the hell off campus and have some fun.

I'll try to remember to stop thinking about what I hate and making things I like.

But it's hard, it's so hard.

Before I'm Gone.

Before I leave this place- this world- I want to:

Spend time in the Bahamas by myself.
Live in Seattle.
Live on the ocean.
Write something worth being published.
Plant 100 trees.
Tell someone everything without feeling like I've been punch in the gut at the end of it.
Swim naked in the ocean.
Be happy.
Be in love with the same person that is in love with me.
Have babies.
Meet someone that makes me feel loved, always.
Wander through the streets of London.
Go to New York City with no plans or intentions.
Eat without regrets.
Fearlessly speak French.
Wear beautiful and timeless clothes that make me feel beautiful.
Make a positive change in someone else's life.
Learn to trust myself, always.
Learn to trust others.
See a concert that brings me to tears.
Cover my body in tattoos that mean everything to me.
Decorate an entire living space.
Write a lullaby that my babies will always remember.
Thank the people that have saved me.
Have a tree house. And use it.
Have too many books to ever read and still enjoy every one of them.

Live a life that I am proud of and am happy to have had.



(List is subject to change because hell knows I want to do more than this.)