Going Back

I am going back to school this Saturday. Unlike a lot of last (school) year, I am dreading it. Last semester was harder than I had hoped it would be. It was tiring, draining, and not really what I expected at all.

I guess part of me was hoping that with all of the good that came with last year, would come a better this year. I think I was hoping that the goodness would just carry over. And with it would come some ease, and maybe a bit less anxiety. 

I was wrong, really wrong. This year has been filled with anxiety, frustration, exhaustion, and yeah some of The Big D. And I know that a lot of my anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion comes from the fear of falling back into the loop I was in during my first year. I see that. But it is a hell of a lot harder to correct than I want it to be.

So...

So I am going back this semester. Because I don't have a choice. Because I don't have anywhere else to go. And I am terrified. And anxious. And just so exhausted already. 

And I was certain this wasn't what they said college would be like. I was certain that they said I would learn to love it. And things would change. And it would be great. I was certain they all said that once I got there it really would be (at a least almost) all it is cracked up to be.

And you know what? It's not.

And...

And that doesn't change anything. I go back, on Saturday. Until May. And I am praying, and hoping, and crossing my fingers, and wishing on clocks, that this will be my last semester there. 

But... 

But, who knows?

Friday Favorites

Well, well, well... now, what about trying this again? I say yes! (And since I make the rules around here, yes it is!)

Favorite Cover:

I found - or rather almost stumbled over this gem... Miley Cyrus' cover of "Jolene" and fell head over heels with it. "Jolene" happens to be one of my most favorite songs, with loads of silly family memories  tacked to it, so this soulful and truly awesome cover was quite literally music to my ears.

Favorite Application:

Thank you Tumblr, for this little find. Please, feel free to fill this out and send it back my way. I'll be sure to consider every applicant seriously.

Favorite Reminder:

As I work through this new year with all it's changing glory, I will remember this and let it help me...keep things balanced. (In finding this, I found Emily Ley's wonderful blog and shop - such a treat!)

Favorite Recipe:

While I have yet to try to make these tasty treats (which happen to be my all-time favorite food,) I am loving this recipe. The photos, the GIFs - it's ridiculously easy to follow. Which is wonderful, considering how terribly frustrating croissants are to make.

A Little Faith and Fearlessness

"...It was a fearless thing to do, and I wanted more fearlessness in my life. I wanted to act on my hunches and have faith in myself. I wanted to do some big things with my one wild and precious life."


Last year I did something different, I had a motto for the year. For the journey that was 2012 I gave myself a sentence of focus: And this too will make me stronger. 

It was...grounding. It was a little string of hope that I could always fall back on, reliably. So as this new year approached, I knew I would do it again. I knew this year would come with a different goal, and a different focus. But having that mantra last year, it was a little whisper of good that showed up just when necessary. I know I'm going to want that - no, need that- this year too.

So, this year, I knew I would I need to give myself a point of focus, something that I could always go back to, should I lose my direction, my motivation, that little steam that keeps me going. Not long after starting Bloom by Kelle Hampton this summer, I knew I would find some of the creative wisdom that would keep me going in those pages. And that is where this came in,


"...It was a fearless thing to do, and I wanted more fearlessness in my life. I wanted to act on my hunches and have faith in myself. I wanted to do some big things with my one wild and precious life."


Fearlessness, that I know about. I've been wearing my necklace from The Joyful Heart Foundation for years.

But the rest of that? Doing big things, acting on hunches, and having faith? Not always my strong suit.

As I look into this year of changes and choices, I'll use this quote, this mantra, to guide me through when I need the help. I know the kind of life I want to lead, sometimes I just forget that I am the key to getting there. Sometimes it is hard to remember that this life is mine, these choices are my choices, and to get where I want to be I'm going to need to have a little faith and be a little fearless.

On Living and Trying to Love It

Here's the thing about regrets, they make everything else, all the bright and shiny, gold and glittery awesome that is in my life seem dull, greying, and not-as-awesome.

Certainly it's not true. I have plenty of bright and shiny, gold and glittery awesome in my life.

Right now, I also seem to have plenty of regret.

I've begun to find that while regret is good and plenty, (and who said we can't have regrets? I'm going with it means I am learning,) glittery gold awesome must continue to shine through.

In this last month, while on break and thoroughly removed school, I have been doing my very best to look past the greying dull of regret to the shiny awesome. And to the surprise of absolutely no one, it is not easy. It's not. It is so much simpler to sit down on the couch and just concede that life is sucky, and bad days are bad, and sometimes nothing is going to go right, and yeah, we all have regrets.  That, that is easy.

It's not easy to stand up and say, "No." It's not easy to disagree with the friends of The Big D (anxiety, worry, and oh yes, regret.) It's not always easy to get out of bed, or to look in the mirror and declare a day gold and glittery. It's a struggle, but I think, God, I hope it is a struggle that is worth it.

I am trying to see the gold, the glitter, the sequins, and the sparkle because I know they are there. I know I have a damn good life, chock full of awesome. I also know that it is possible just to lose sight of that... for me, that is not always good, and there is not always an easy fix.

So, I am trying to learn to love this life, regrets and all. And it's not hard, not really. But when the regrets are at the surface of things so often, as they are lately, it's... harder. It's more of a struggle.

But that is why I have loads of clothes covered in sequins. And perfume that makes me feel awesome. And good food in my kitchen. And good books on my shelves. 'Cause of all of that, that is the makings of a life that is chock full of awesome.

Finality in Choice

For some reason or another I keep finding myself at the end of a long chain of a choice. Somewhere down the road, years, months, weeks, and days ago, I made choices. As we all do each day, some big and others little.

I am finding though that many of my choices seem to be catching up with me, and all at once. Its a startling feeling, the reality of a choice slamming into your back, as if you have stopped short and Choice wasn't looking forward, and couldn't put on the breaks before she slammed into you. That is where I am, with Choice against my back.

The choice to go to Colby-Sawyer.
The choice to major in Creative Writing.
The choice to be friends with my friends.
The choice of where I will go, after May of 2014.

Choice, that sneaky girl. Well, she made me see, some of those things (surely, not all) I regret, right now, when I'm feeling want-y, need-y. As I move forward, into the new year, and the new semester, she has me wanting to second guess.

See, I'm not really a second guesser. I'm a muller, a deep-thinker, a long-considerer. But, when I make a decision, I make it. Finality. So Choice? She is throwing me for a loop.

I know I can't go back in time. I cannot change where I have decided to go to school, taking back the last few years. I can however direct the path I take next. I can decide to transfer, to move after school, to pave a career path I yearn for... That is all me.

And that is a bit comforting. Even with Choice pressed against my back, reminding me of the finality, the fierce reality of my every decision, the decision is still all mine.

And in the lengthy search for happiness, I should hope with each choice I make, I lead myself closer to a life that I love, one that I am proud and thrilled to live.

And Then It Was New

A new year...bringing new hopes, and worries. New goals, new chances, and new changes.

I haven't figured out where I am going...here and elsewhere.

Transferring schools is up in the air, and while all I want is to get away from where I am, it is seeming more and more impossible.

This, this writing, it's becoming harder as the challenges increase, as the worries, and the anxiety begins  to build. I could have guessed that, maybe I should have.

For now, what I know is that it is a new year... A new year.