Psalm 116:6

I don't talk about this very often, or with very many people - so I thought suuure share it on the internet, that makes perfect sense - but an increasingly large part of my life is my faith. It has been a long, and traditionally tumultuous journey. Don't worry though, the Bible is all about crazy long journeys.

Basically, God and I took a while to get the hang of this give and take thing.

And I could talk a lot about God's grace in my life, and why I was able to reestablish my faith, and how I can work with a God that doles out depression and also had a hand in the Magic Kingdom. But maybe the most important thing that has been working on my heart is trusting in the plan.

Tellll me you haven't struggled to trust in the plan. I don't really care if it's His plan for you, or your plan for you, or your family's plan to budget, or the office's plan to promote you - I know there is a plan in your life that is sometimes just too hard.

Sometimes it is just too hard to trust that the dots are connecting correctly.

That's where I am.

I am day-to-day with His plan right now. And believe me, I try, every single day. Every day I pray that I have the strength to trust in His plan. That my heart will follow His lead, despite my downright need to go my own way and frankly - be so damn pissed when it's not going my way. I pray that I am capable of going His way.

Because the craziest thing turns out to be true... His way is better, every single time.

If you're a skeptic/agnostic/atheist/anything other than already vaguely riding the Jesus train, I've lost you by now, that's cool. But I know you've seen it on Pinterest and Instagram - the picturesque views with text overlays, making the same claim - His plan is far greater than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. "God will either give us what we ask, or give us what we asked if we knew everything that He knows." Look. I doubted it too.

Some days I still doubt it.  I'm perfectly capable of dreaming up my own big bad wonderful life.

I could be a mermaid married to Nick Jonas.

And you know what? I think God would love that.

But I also know, every single time I think I've got it figured out, He whacks me over the head with a whole new twist. He always proves me wrong. He does have a really unfortunate knack of making things so damn hard right before He brings something absolutely spectacular into my life. So sometimes even more important than my trust in the plan, is my patience. And if we're being honest here, I still burn the roof of my mouth on pizza 9 times out of 10, so I don't do a great patient.

But that has been the struggle - sit down, shut up, be patient, and trust in what is to come.

I'm still working on it.

I'm still struggling to recognize every step as a step closer to what He has planned for me. Look, I can't pray myself out of my depression, anxiety, or crippling fear of dying alone surrounded only by Cheez Itz and like a weird amount of blankets. I have passed that point.

I know though - I know - in the center of who I am, that burning little part inside my soul - no matter how low, no matter how dark, no matter how desperate and horrible and damn tragic it has been, I have made it through. And it's not just on my own accord. I actually am not always so good at taking care of me - He is though.

Every time I think this is it, I cannot possibly physically and mentally and emotionally handle anymore pain. I will simply cease to exist if I cram anymore ache into this heart - I can't say it happens always in a single moment - but every time, He pulls me through. He shows up with a plan and a way through, and every time it leads to something far better than I could have ever imagined for myself.

When you're on the other side, and you're looking at all that He has laid out in front of you, it suddenly becomes so obvious that trusting in His plan is key. It works, it lead you here, right?

But when you're in it, like I am right now, you guys, it is hard. I don't have a day where I don't want to stop and let Him know, Hey, listen, I know you think you know what's best, but I have this idea - yeah, it involves a guy - okay and like maybe a cool 2 million, but only if you can spare it - anyways this guy.... 

I'm pretty sure He always knows where I'm going with it, and I always know it's a bit fruitless. Of course I pray for things I want - love, happiness, health, safety, general good welfare for those I love - but this process has been one that forces me to look at what I want, and how I want to get there. I know His way always ends up better. I also know my way is always going to be more convincing (I usually line the bricks of my path with cold-hard-imaginary cash.)

Right now, I have no stinkin' clue where this struggle is headed. Honestly? I thought I was in the clear on this one. I thought I did my patient bit, and I waited, and I trusted that He was going to provide for me here - and I thought whambamthankyoumaam, we did it. Good job, Jesus!

To literally only my surprise, I was so wrong. Knock me on my ass for 48 hours, wrong.

So I'm regrouping. I'm working on eliminating visions of metaphorical sugar plums dancing in my head, and focusing on trusting that He knows what He's doing here. Despite my best efforts to go my own way, to hope that maybe this time it was my way or the highway, I'm sticking to trust. I'm sticking to patience. I'm sticking to taking a deep breath, and letting go, and reminding myself that, when I was brought low He saved me. (That's a Psalm. BOOM. Bible.)