Friday Favorites

There is very little that I dislike about summer. There is very little about summer that is not my favorite.

This week though I had a favorite...

Success: Buying (SUPER GOOD) seats to a Demi Lovato concert. Despite what anyone else thinks about my taste in artists. It's more than the music, it's the message.

Have a little hope: I have been job-searching for the last two weeks and (cross your fingers) things are starting to look up.

Confidence boost: Though getting out of this stressful just-want-to-lay-in-bed funk has not been easy I have been doing my best to keep up with working out. And I'm starting to see and feel the difference again. It is oh so nice.

Excitement-OMG-Happy, happy, joy, joy: It is birthday month. And I'm less than three weeks away from Party Day. I could not be more excited.

For week two of summer, I would say this is just perfect.

The End and The Summer

I have officially been on summer break for almost two weeks. I still don't have a job. I have only sat in the sun one day. I have slept in almost every day. And I'm already back into the wonkiest eating schedule ever.

It is very summer up in here. (Considering it is not even half way through May.)

The end of school was so chaotic, and so stressful, that for a while there I forgot that when I left it was going to be summer. For a while there I forgot that I was not going to be seeing anybody for four months. And now that is almost all I can think about. (Yes, there is the matter of being broke, and of course, Miss Vermont.) Right now, I just keep thinking, God, I hope all of summer is not this lonely. 


Granted, many of my friends are not home yet, and it has not even been two weeks. But that loneliness, that is a big deal for a girl that has proudly been fending off The Big D for some months now.

For now, I am just trying not to worry. I am trying to just go with the flow. And find a job (because MY WORD when did everything become so expensive!?)

For now, I am just trying to be happy that it is summer. Happy that I can read as much, and whatever I want. Happy that some days I can wake up late and then make crafts all day. Happy is what I am working with for now.

Happy is good. Summer is good. And goodness, it is only May.

Finding a Little Faith

I have promised myself that I will get back into my own little swing of things. I will write about the end of the year. I will write about the beginning of summer. But I have been sitting with these thoughts for a few weeks now, and I am thinking I can finally put them down, so I am. 



I was raised Catholic.

I went to a private Catholic school from Kindergarden to 5th grade. After that I attended catechism classes until I was a sophomore in high school.

I went through all of the sacraments (baptism, reconciliation, first communion, etc.) except for confirmation. The process of committing yourself to the church, basically a renewal of the vows that were made for you during baptism (assuming you were baptized as a newborn, as I was.)

I couldn't do it. Sophomore year was not easy, to say the least. It was the first year that I really came to terms with the role that The Big D has in my life. I was sorting through so much, mentally, academically, and socially that when it came time to get serious about confirmation, I couldn't honestly say that I was ready. I knew that despite all of the backlash from my family that I would simply feel too guilty if I stood in front of my congregation and said I believed when I didn't, I so didn't.

Well, last weekend my brother made his confirmation. And nothing will get you thinking about God, and faith, and where you stand, like a full Mass and a sacrament that you didn't complete.

It is not as though this is the first time that I have thought about what my faith means to me. Yes, when I decided not to become confirmed, I had lost my faith. It was one of the last things I wanted to think about. It always left me panicky, and filled with guilt. At that time, I was also lost in so many other ways, that faith was too much to add to the pot.

As the years have passed, I have lost people in my life, gained confidence, perspective, and some insight into what it means to have both faith and The Big D, some of my opinions have changed.

I spent a lot of this year thinking about what it means for me to have faith in something- in anything- religious or otherwise. With that I have sort of come into my own with my beliefs. I have begun to create the buffet of my beliefs. The ones that work for me, the ones that don't, the ones I can accept, and the ones that I cannot.

Some days I am still filled with questions. Some days I struggle to believe in anything other than pain, and desparity. Other days I see the way that the sun spreads on the ground, a bit differently, I recognize things in my life as blessings.

I don't know yet where this will take me. I know that going to Mass and seeing a confirmation service was difficult. I struggled to accept the processes taking place around me. So maybe I won't always be a Roman Catholic. Maybe I will just be me, with faith, with beliefs in things that are bigger than I am. I think I would be okay with that. My guilt that surfaced after I mentally denounced God is starting to abade. I know why I felt that way then, and I know why I feel the way I do now.

I like knowing that I can still have faith. I like knowing that there is some concept of love, and kindness out there that I can still hold on to. For now, that is my faith, and that is enough.

Marvelous Monday

Having a very big Easter dinner, big enough to bring leftovers back to school...that was marvelous.

Stopping by my favorite local shop for a seriously delicious raspberry mocha...that was marvelous.

Listening to my favorite music, singing along, and not feeling a stitch of shame...that was marvelous.

I suppose this really is a marvelous Monday.

Friday Favorites

This week I loved....

Positive, critical, and even negative, feedback on my writing.

Warmer weather. If only by a few degrees.

Second cups of afternoon coffee. Because I can.

Checking off items on the mega-super-OMG-todo list.

The countdown until summer (less than one month to go!)

The Bitter(sweet) End

It is April.

Which happens to mean this is the last month of my second year of college.

What?

I know.

It flew by, it truly did. This year has been so different than last year, in all of the best ways. In all of the ways that make sense, and that make me better. Academically, socially, it has just been better.

Before this year closes out I have got to get through these last three weeks of pure, unadulterated, academic torture. Apparently every test, project, exam, paper, and everything, should be saved to the very bitter end. That end, being now. As everything begins to stack up I have to keep reminding myself that it is doable. I have to keep reminding, and organizing, and refocusing. I have to keep my eye on that sunshine-y prize.

I am not overwhelmed, yet. I know it will happen. I know it will hit me. But I also know that when all of this settles it will be the end of year two. Because of that alone I am so willing to plow through all of this. I am so willing to do all of this work, to boot myself off of the internet and shut off the TV. Because then? Then it is summer.

And summer is just so much better than this bitter end.

Papers, research projects, and exams have got nothing on me. That one week in March sparked the summer bug in me, and I will be holding on to that until April 28th, when "summer" begins.

Here we go....

Jodi Picoult Makes Dreams Come True, Or Just Fuels Their Fire

I went to a Jodi Picoult reading on Tuesday night. It was actually my third Picoult reading, and I could not have been more thrilled.

(Have you picked up her newest book? It's "Lone Wolf," and y'all, it is classically phenomenal Picoult.)

I was supposed to go with a friend, plans changed last minute, and I ended up driving to Concord alone. I was not jazzed to be going alone, but I was not missing this for anything. Parking was a nightmare, as apparently every 20-65 year old female in New Hampshire planned on attending. But, by the grace of...someone, I had an empty seat on either side of me, and I was right up front.

If you have never been to a Picoult tour event, this is how it goes: she reads a bit of her newest book, she talks a bit about writing this newest novel, the research process, the story behind her motivation, you know, the good stuff, and then she takes questions.

Now, the two previous times I have been to see Jodi were at a very (very) small event. The room held maybe 45 or 50 people. This was so different, being that it was held in a packed theater...I'm guessing maybe 300 people, maybe a bit less. But still, loads.

So, with this sort of new-lease-on-life-through-maturity-and-happiness thing that I am doing, I had been thinking about a question to ask for a few days. And, I swear, it was fate-like, so few people got up to ask questions (AT A MIC IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY) that I knew, I had to.

I did too. I went up and asked Jodi Picoult a question, in front of everybody, about my heart...my writing...my goal. It was...surreal. I stood there and she answered me in the most heartfelt, honest, thorough, writer-like, way. When I walked away, I could not stop smiling because one thing, the thing that has been most hazy through these last two years became really clear: I'm doing the right thing.

I am going to write a book.

I am going to publish a book.

I am going to do this. Because I so can.

I didn't stop smiling, as more people asked questions, as the session closed and we all flooded down to get our newest books signed, when walking to my car, and driving through Concord to grab myself a celebratory smoothie. That smile never faded. (Celebrating my happy-proud-YES! breakthrough moment. Obviously.)

I am still thinking about it. It was really magical. I have people that I like, people that impress me, but it became so completely clear last night, that as heroes go, she is mine. All the way.

If you ever, ever, ever, even have a slim chance to meet someone that does for you what Jodi does for me, by God, do it.