I got a job. A real one, that starts at 9 and ends at 5. One that has me on my feet all day, sweating, and working my tush off.
And it isn't easy. But it pays, quite well actually, and it is constant, it is something I can rely on.
It is is weird feeling though, to be so busy all the time. Even in school I do not feel like I have to be 'on' all day long. This is different, a good different.
I have been looking farther in to the future over the last few months. Where I will be in then next few years, what I want my life to look like, if I really ought to be forming a five year plan. This job, though simple, is so grounding. It brings a nice dose of reality into this world that is so unrealistic.
It has given me a way to look at what I want. And what I don't want. What I can handle, and what I can't. So being busy, that's good. It is working. Being busy finally is feeling like being an adult, with a life. Not a perpetual student, with a foggy future.
Friday Favorites
Friday, May 11, 2012
There is very little that I dislike about summer. There is very little about summer that is not my favorite.
This week though I had a favorite...
Success: Buying (SUPER GOOD) seats to a Demi Lovato concert. Despite what anyone else thinks about my taste in artists. It's more than the music, it's the message.
Have a little hope: I have been job-searching for the last two weeks and (cross your fingers) things are starting to look up.
Confidence boost: Though getting out of this stressful just-want-to-lay-in-bed funk has not been easy I have been doing my best to keep up with working out. And I'm starting to see and feel the difference again. It is oh so nice.
Excitement-OMG-Happy, happy, joy, joy: It is birthday month. And I'm less than three weeks away from Party Day. I could not be more excited.
For week two of summer, I would say this is just perfect.
This week though I had a favorite...
Success: Buying (SUPER GOOD) seats to a Demi Lovato concert. Despite what anyone else thinks about my taste in artists. It's more than the music, it's the message.
Have a little hope: I have been job-searching for the last two weeks and (cross your fingers) things are starting to look up.
Confidence boost: Though getting out of this stressful just-want-to-lay-in-bed funk has not been easy I have been doing my best to keep up with working out. And I'm starting to see and feel the difference again. It is oh so nice.
Excitement-OMG-Happy, happy, joy, joy: It is birthday month. And I'm less than three weeks away from Party Day. I could not be more excited.
For week two of summer, I would say this is just perfect.
The End and The Summer
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I have officially been on summer break for almost two weeks. I still don't have a job. I have only sat in the sun one day. I have slept in almost every day. And I'm already back into the wonkiest eating schedule ever.
It is very summer up in here. (Considering it is not even half way through May.)
The end of school was so chaotic, and so stressful, that for a while there I forgot that when I left it was going to be summer. For a while there I forgot that I was not going to be seeing anybody for four months. And now that is almost all I can think about. (Yes, there is the matter of being broke, and of course, Miss Vermont.) Right now, I just keep thinking, God, I hope all of summer is not this lonely.
Granted, many of my friends are not home yet, and it has not even been two weeks. But that loneliness, that is a big deal for a girl that has proudly been fending off The Big D for some months now.
For now, I am just trying not to worry. I am trying to just go with the flow. And find a job (because MY WORD when did everything become so expensive!?)
For now, I am just trying to be happy that it is summer. Happy that I can read as much, and whatever I want. Happy that some days I can wake up late and then make crafts all day. Happy is what I am working with for now.
Happy is good. Summer is good. And goodness, it is only May.
It is very summer up in here. (Considering it is not even half way through May.)
The end of school was so chaotic, and so stressful, that for a while there I forgot that when I left it was going to be summer. For a while there I forgot that I was not going to be seeing anybody for four months. And now that is almost all I can think about. (Yes, there is the matter of being broke, and of course, Miss Vermont.) Right now, I just keep thinking, God, I hope all of summer is not this lonely.
Granted, many of my friends are not home yet, and it has not even been two weeks. But that loneliness, that is a big deal for a girl that has proudly been fending off The Big D for some months now.
For now, I am just trying not to worry. I am trying to just go with the flow. And find a job (because MY WORD when did everything become so expensive!?)
For now, I am just trying to be happy that it is summer. Happy that I can read as much, and whatever I want. Happy that some days I can wake up late and then make crafts all day. Happy is what I am working with for now.
Happy is good. Summer is good. And goodness, it is only May.
Finding a Little Faith
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I have promised myself that I will get back into my own little swing of things. I will write about the end of the year. I will write about the beginning of summer. But I have been sitting with these thoughts for a few weeks now, and I am thinking I can finally put them down, so I am.
I was raised Catholic.
I went to a private Catholic school from Kindergarden to 5th grade. After that I attended catechism classes until I was a sophomore in high school.
I went through all of the sacraments (baptism, reconciliation, first communion, etc.) except for confirmation. The process of committing yourself to the church, basically a renewal of the vows that were made for you during baptism (assuming you were baptized as a newborn, as I was.)
I couldn't do it. Sophomore year was not easy, to say the least. It was the first year that I really came to terms with the role that The Big D has in my life. I was sorting through so much, mentally, academically, and socially that when it came time to get serious about confirmation, I couldn't honestly say that I was ready. I knew that despite all of the backlash from my family that I would simply feel too guilty if I stood in front of my congregation and said I believed when I didn't, I so didn't.
Well, last weekend my brother made his confirmation. And nothing will get you thinking about God, and faith, and where you stand, like a full Mass and a sacrament that you didn't complete.
It is not as though this is the first time that I have thought about what my faith means to me. Yes, when I decided not to become confirmed, I had lost my faith. It was one of the last things I wanted to think about. It always left me panicky, and filled with guilt. At that time, I was also lost in so many other ways, that faith was too much to add to the pot.
As the years have passed, I have lost people in my life, gained confidence, perspective, and some insight into what it means to have both faith and The Big D, some of my opinions have changed.
I spent a lot of this year thinking about what it means for me to have faith in something- in anything- religious or otherwise. With that I have sort of come into my own with my beliefs. I have begun to create the buffet of my beliefs. The ones that work for me, the ones that don't, the ones I can accept, and the ones that I cannot.
Some days I am still filled with questions. Some days I struggle to believe in anything other than pain, and desparity. Other days I see the way that the sun spreads on the ground, a bit differently, I recognize things in my life as blessings.
I don't know yet where this will take me. I know that going to Mass and seeing a confirmation service was difficult. I struggled to accept the processes taking place around me. So maybe I won't always be a Roman Catholic. Maybe I will just be me, with faith, with beliefs in things that are bigger than I am. I think I would be okay with that. My guilt that surfaced after I mentally denounced God is starting to abade. I know why I felt that way then, and I know why I feel the way I do now.
I like knowing that I can still have faith. I like knowing that there is some concept of love, and kindness out there that I can still hold on to. For now, that is my faith, and that is enough.
I was raised Catholic.
I went to a private Catholic school from Kindergarden to 5th grade. After that I attended catechism classes until I was a sophomore in high school.
I went through all of the sacraments (baptism, reconciliation, first communion, etc.) except for confirmation. The process of committing yourself to the church, basically a renewal of the vows that were made for you during baptism (assuming you were baptized as a newborn, as I was.)
I couldn't do it. Sophomore year was not easy, to say the least. It was the first year that I really came to terms with the role that The Big D has in my life. I was sorting through so much, mentally, academically, and socially that when it came time to get serious about confirmation, I couldn't honestly say that I was ready. I knew that despite all of the backlash from my family that I would simply feel too guilty if I stood in front of my congregation and said I believed when I didn't, I so didn't.
Well, last weekend my brother made his confirmation. And nothing will get you thinking about God, and faith, and where you stand, like a full Mass and a sacrament that you didn't complete.
It is not as though this is the first time that I have thought about what my faith means to me. Yes, when I decided not to become confirmed, I had lost my faith. It was one of the last things I wanted to think about. It always left me panicky, and filled with guilt. At that time, I was also lost in so many other ways, that faith was too much to add to the pot.
As the years have passed, I have lost people in my life, gained confidence, perspective, and some insight into what it means to have both faith and The Big D, some of my opinions have changed.
I spent a lot of this year thinking about what it means for me to have faith in something- in anything- religious or otherwise. With that I have sort of come into my own with my beliefs. I have begun to create the buffet of my beliefs. The ones that work for me, the ones that don't, the ones I can accept, and the ones that I cannot.
Some days I am still filled with questions. Some days I struggle to believe in anything other than pain, and desparity. Other days I see the way that the sun spreads on the ground, a bit differently, I recognize things in my life as blessings.
I don't know yet where this will take me. I know that going to Mass and seeing a confirmation service was difficult. I struggled to accept the processes taking place around me. So maybe I won't always be a Roman Catholic. Maybe I will just be me, with faith, with beliefs in things that are bigger than I am. I think I would be okay with that. My guilt that surfaced after I mentally denounced God is starting to abade. I know why I felt that way then, and I know why I feel the way I do now.
I like knowing that I can still have faith. I like knowing that there is some concept of love, and kindness out there that I can still hold on to. For now, that is my faith, and that is enough.
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