Sticking Around

I still have a year left of school, but all of my friends are seniors right now.

So they are graduating, in less than two weeks.

In less than two weeks my friends are going to go start their lives and I will go home for the summer, and return here, to school in the fall.

I would like to be very mature about this whole thing and say it is bittersweet. But quite frankly, it is far more bitter than sweet. Sure, I am so happy for them. So happy that they have come so far, have been so successful. But what a bitter pill it is to swallow, knowing all your friends are in a very simple sense, leaving you behind.

Yes, I'll be sticking around. For another year, another two semesters. I know I'll see them, surely.

It is hard though not to feel like the kid sister being left behind while everyone else goes off to do something fun.

Good Big Hearts

It has always been abundantly clear to me that the people of Montpelier are good people. They have good hearts - big hearts, that do good things. They mean well, they want the best for each other.

Being in Montpelier, it is like constantly being around a good neighbor.

Maybe that is all a little biassed. Okay, it is.

But here's the best part, there are endless, real, honest, examples of these people doing and being good. It's a community that continuously comes together. To help and be there for others, no matter what.

And as much as I need to leave this part of the country, and do something big with my life, that is something I will always miss, and hold on to.

When bad things happen to the people of Montpelier, and the people that they love, they respond in a big way.

In a big, awesome, we-love-you, and are-here-for-you way. I've been seeing a lot of that in the last three years, maybe more so because I am away. But damn if I don't love me some good small town community loving.

So, when it hurts a lot. You're hurting, or someone in Montpelier is, family or individual, I know these people will help in any way that they can.

I know even when it sucks, they are gonna be there with a smile, and a "How can I help?"






With all of that said, here's something on Sam, and something from Macklemore...yeah, talk about good people coming together to help. Especially for someone who so deserves it.

Going to be Going Places

When it becomes particularly difficult, or painful, to be here. I think about where I'll be going when I'm done. When all of this is over, in just about a year.

I think about the fact that really, I could go anywhere. Anywhere that I want. And that is where I can be. That is where I can live, and work, and learn, and just be.

That helps, a lot.

Because at this point, though I am narrowing it down, it does not really matter where that will be. It just matters that it won't be here. I won't be here. I won't be in school. And I will have every opportunity...to be happy, where ever I am.

So I keep looking, looking into where I want to go, into where I want to be. And I keep it in my sights. I keep remembering that it is just around the corner.

That helps, a lot.

Heavy Hearted Stream of Consciousness

I have only ever lived in this time. I have only ever lived in this country.

So I don't know what it is really like elsewhere. I don't know what it is like to live in constant fear, or worry. I don't know. And selfishly, I don't want to.

As far as I am concerned, we have enough tragedy here. We have enough suffering, and pain, and yuck, here. That's enough for me. Enough for me to know it is not all rosy. Enough for me to know what hurts.

And as long as I have been here, as long as I have been cognitive enough to recognize such tragedy, I have found that I take on more than I ought to. I hold a lot in my heart. In the way that I take on excess sadness, and guilt, and hurt. I take it on, and I hold it in my heart.

And I absolutely realize how ridiculous that is. But on the most basic, empathetic level,  I do not think I can help it.

I just, hurt.

It hurts to think about Boston. It hurts to think about any type of horrific event like that, anything devastating like that.

Maybe that's just human. Maybe this is just a really good sign that I am human. But, good God, it would sure be nice to cut down on the yuck, on the hurt, on the - quite frankly - shit storm life is brewing right now. I could use a little break. My heart could use a little rest.

Not the case though, is it? It's not slowing down, it's not done. It's here, right now, and it hurts.

So, I'll try to focus on those that hurt more. Send love, and peace, and hope, to those that are hurting more. To those that need it too. And hope, that maybe, this will disperse, hurt less, weigh less.

Acting Like a Lady

So, I saw this photo this week:

And it got me thinking. 

This is not an easy thing to accomplish. While unfortunate, I truly think it is inherent in us to be envious of others. More often than not, we see that manifest into hatred, into sour words about another person. Particularly among young women, this is an honest problem.

Bullying. Slut shaming. General gossip and just plainly jealous and snarky remarks.

We'd be lying if we said, "Oh, well, I don't do that. Or when I do, it's not that bad. I'm not that bad." 

We do, we all do it. I'm constantly surrounded by girls my own age, some of whom are skinnier than me, some of whom have longer hair, prettier smiles, more friends, so on, and so forth. That breeds jealously. We don't help each other out by stoking the fire beneath the conversation, bringing up another girl, another flaw, another tidbit of information about someone else.

What is so crazy is, when you get down to it, we are all on the same team. 

We're all going to be constantly fighting for respect, equality, and fairness as we walk through this world. We have all got this innate maternal instinct. We've all been taught to want more out of our bodies, out of our looks. We are all assaulted by images of gorgeous and computer-manipulated models, and romantic-nearly-unattainable love, every day.

We are all on the same team. We are all fighting the same fight.

Yet, we continue with the hatefulness, with the envy. 

I'm guilty too. But, I think, when I really think about this, the solution just becomes so stupidly simple, so obvious.

Just stop.

Just support the other women in your life.

Just recognize that someone else's accomplishment doesn't mean you have failed.

Just remember that someone else's happiness doesn't result in your unhappiness.

This is my team. And your team. At the end of the day it is just so ridiculous to not support each other, and not to help each other. We don't gain anything from slut shaming, from criticizing her jeans, or how she looks at the gym, or anything. You get nothing from that. 

So, really, why do it?

Why not just empower her, support her, influence, compliment, and respect her. Because, here's the thing: if you can do it for someone else. Maybe they can too. And maybe we can put the brakes on this crazy cycle.

And Just Go, And Go, And Go

This week I've been having a hard time just, doing life.

I know very well that the tip of this weird funk of an iceberg was not going home for Easter. Because, like all traditions based around merchandise and food, we Fields do a mean Easter. Just, not this year.

This year I went to Koto, on Saturday, after working all day, with just my parents. Surely there was nothing bad about it, but you know what, it wasn't Easter dinner. And waking up on Sunday, not having anyone around, going just to the movies, Price Chopper and Starbucks? Yeah, that actually was no good, at all.

And then, I'm not sure. Maybe this is just some residual effect. Maybe this week is just the fallout from a funky holiday.

But I'm... off. I can feel it.

So I do the things I know to do. I eat the cookie, just because. I wear full makeup, even when I don't want to. I slip into sweatpants, because who cares if my tush looks saggy? I listen to the good music, read the good books. I say the things I know to say.

Live in the sunshine.
This too shall past.
Be positive.
Smile.
Just take it one moment at a time.

All of that is well and good. Sometimes though, even when the little things help, they fight the funk, they bring a little bright in on the day...sometimes even when they help, they don't.

So this week, I've been having a hard time just, doing life.

I have found though, if you just keep going - even when you feel like dung, and just want to sleep, and sort of cry, but mostly sleep - if you just go, and go, and go, mostly slowly, but you go, you end up getting through it.

So, I booked a spontaneous hair appointment, made the extra cup of coffee, gave myself the extra five minutes, and hell, even the benefit of my own doubt. Who knows, maybe next week is just going to be out of this world good.