Guilty Graduate

The amount of times that I have found myself on my couch, in my underwear, looking at seemingly endless lists of jobs I cannot do, or am not qualified for, is getting a little ridiculous.

Here's the thing: as it stands I am applying for, and looking for jobs, and I am employed part-time. So I have found myself in a sort of employment limbo.

I knew that I wasn't going to find my dream job right away - I was hopeful, of course. (I mean, c'mon. I compete for crowns and I go to Disney World regularly, how could I not be?) But I was realistic, I knew I was going to need to do some settling, some compromising, and a lot of searching.

And that's where I am. I am right smack where I am supposed to be. I am making money where I can. I am applying to jobs that I am qualified for, and that I do want. I know that I am doing what I can, and what I should be doing here.

However, it doesn't seem to negate the anxiety or the guilt.

Oh, the guilt.

The one thing no one ever told me about post-grad is how damn guilty I would feel. All. The. Time.

I sleep in? Feel guilty.
Spend the day afternoon reading and sitting in the sun? Feel guilty.
Eat Cheetos for breakfast? Mega guilt.

But! It's not like looking at those long lists of job postings really helps. Feeling endlessly under (or even over,) qualified is equally defeating.

I know everyone says that something will come along, that I just need to keep doing what I am doing. I know that this compromising and settling is nothing like what I felt when I was in school, so I know I'm not locking myself into anything as horrible. But this is hard. This doesn't leave you feeling successful almost ever (at least when I was a filing temp I could set and meet daily goals - sheesh.)

When it came to graduating I spent the last two months of school anxious because I didn't know what the summer would bring, at all. And now that I am here...well I just didn't think it would involve so much free time, and so much guilt.

Wait, So It's a Swimsuit Competition?

In the last three years I have been asked many times, and in many different ways, why I have decided to compete in pageants. Frankly, it is a pretty confusing endeavor to many people.

It doesn't sound entirely appealing when you say it in the most basic sense - you compete for scholarship dollars by interviewing, walking in patterns in dresses and a swimsuit, and present a talent in 90 seconds - all while wearing a lot of makeup, glue on some part of your body, and heels.

However, you will meet some of the most intelligent, talented, and kind young women (and volunteers.) You will develop a greater understanding of yourself, of what you are capable, and of the limits that your mind and body (and patience) are able to go.

Competing in Miss Vermont, and Miss New Hampshire, did not just teach me how to apply false eyelashes (near) flawlessly, or the value of a large can of hairspray and always having double-sided tape on hand. It gave me friends that I will have hopefully for the rest of my life, it brought me jobs, it made me a healthier and happier person. 

I'm a very different person than I was when I started this journey - in the best way possible. I could not have asked for better experiences in each of the pageants that I have competed in. They are not easy, they are not slipping on a dress and slapping on some lipstick and walking on stage. They are hard work, and they are challenging, and they genuinely force you to grow in each aspect of your life.

That is why I compete in pageants, because they make me better. They have made me smarter, more competent, healthier, more confident. They have allowed me to become a person that I could only have hoped to be as watched Miss America crowned year after year. It is still a little confusing, to a buy a swimsuit that won't touch water. It is still a little odd to be referred to as a "pageant girl." 

But I wouldn't change a single moment of it.

Well, it except for the first time I inhaled spray-tan. That was gross.

Let's Try This One More Time

Coming back to this is a bit weird.

I didn't stop writing here for any reason other than I found that I was censoring what I wanted to really say. I found that I wasn't really being honest about what was going on with my life. And I knew that if I was to be honest, I would regret it. (After all, this is the internet.)

So, catching up...

I graduated college - and in the end, it wasn't emotional, it didn't feel like 'a long time coming',  and it was just a really good reason for two drinks and lobster BLT.

I competed in Miss New Hampshire - which was wild, and amazing, and I could not have asked for a better outcome, or to have been surrounded and supported by better people.

I ran, a lot - chiefly because I couldn't stand still, or stay in my apartment - and pageants, but, you
know.

And that's about it. 

I wrote a lot of fiction in my last semester. 

I eat more vegetables than I did six months ago. 

I'm pretty serious about my Pinterest game. 

I only just discovered Fruit Ninja. 

Oh, and I'm pretty sincerely unemployed, which, it's not for me.