The Weight (Part Six)

I can't believe this is part six. I can't believe I have been doing this- this lifestyle, this diet, this new body thing for two and half years now.

It's almost unreal.

Almost unreal that I've been able to stay down, or keep going down for all this time. As I spent the years before this going up, and up, and up. I stayed stagnant for a while there, not willing to work for it, not being able to muster the energy, the will power, the what have you. But I didn't go back. I never went back up.

But here's the best part- I got on a scale last week.

I don't own one. I don't intend on owning one. And I don't even know where the one in the gym is located. So, this isn't something that happens often. Actually, it only happens when I go to the doctors, which, I did on Friday.

And- are you ready for this? I hit my first ultimate goal weight! Well, technically, if you subscribe to that whole take-off-two-pounds-because-you-aren't-naked (which I do) than I am two pounds under my first ultimate.

I- I still can't even fathom it.

I keep saying the number over and over in my head. I keep catching a glance of myself in the bathroom mirror and thinking, I did it. I finally did it.

I'm not as lean or toned as I may like. But I'm healthy. I have this amazingly healthy body that I have worked so hard for. And I see it now, I can actually see it.

I'll keep working on it. I have to. Not to be skinnier. To feel good about myself. To feel confident when I walk the Miss Vermont stage. To know that I am doing what is best for me- because of me. Because it is what I want to feel and see when I look in the mirror.

I'd be lying if I said this has been a piece of cake the last few days. Knowing now how much I weigh, it's different. I am thinking more consciously about what I am doing and eating. Which, is something that, for me, comes in waves. Give me a week, I'll be back to carbs. But this awareness is what has gotten me this far and what, I hope will keep me going.

Not just until I go on vacation (Bahamas- 32 days!) and not just until Miss Vermont (four full months!) I like this lifestyle new body thing. I like how I look. I like how I feel. And boy, that alone is almost too good to be true.

(Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Friday Favorites

This week was fast! Zoom! Gone!

So in that manner I'll be quick with my favorites- just two this week.

Favorite Song: This is the kind of song I turn to when it's...dark. This week was not (thankfully,) still though, it's a favorite.

Ingrid Michaelson- Keep Breathing.

Favorite Surprise: Two packages! Well, to be fair, one carried over from the Friday before. But! Since I picked it up on Monday it counts, right?

Included: One Campus Teez 'Colby-Swagga' tee. One bag of Reese's Minis. One Russell Stover chocolate (and marshmallow!) heart. Three magazines. One sheet of fun Valentine's stickers. One pair of 'emergency' mittens.

And This Too Will Make Me Stronger

And this too will make me stronger.

This year I've got a motto. A saying. Something to keep in mind. Something to keep knocking my chin up. Something to remind me that whatever it is, whatever is happening, it will end and something else will start.

And this too will make me stronger.

I haven't done this before, had something that I came up with, that I know I can refer to...that I can let guide me through this year. Maybe it's because I let last year make me stronger. Maybe it is because I finally feel like I've got solid footing. Or maybe it's just that this year is finally the year I made some solid resolutions.

And this too will make me stronger.

I don't know where this will take me. I don't know if it will change my thinking dramatically, or at all. I don't even know if I will remember to keep saying it by the time March rolls around. But it's a shot, right? There is no harm in trying. And if it does make an impact? Great. Awesome. Good for me. If it doesn't? I'll be just fine.

For now, I'll just keep reminding myself, keep keeping on. For now, I'll see where it takes me.

And this too will make me stronger.

Marvelous Monday

In general this is what I am going for...

Today, it was achieved.

Today, loved, savored, and could-not-get-enough of sleeping in and afternoon baths.

No Real Need To Put A Ring On It

I am single. Notoriously single, really.

Which, combined with the fact that I live in a single here at school and happen to spend a lot of time alone leaves me, well, alone.

Now, I really don't see a lot of problems with this. Yes, we all get lonely and I am no exception. But I think that I have really benefitted from my lack of relationships this past year.

That, and, when it comes down to it, I really am not the same person I was even five months ago. The tail end of 2011 was not easy. It was hard. And it was gruesome, and I really was not a fan. Consequently I find myself looking and feeling almost entirely different. And when I think about what that would mean if I was in any form of a relationship, other than, of course, with my dear friends, I don't think it would be going to well.

After all, I look at who I was this summer, last year, and just three months ago and I see someone different. Wouldn't then someone else see me differently? I like to think so, I like to think the change is noticeable. Of course, I also like think this change is a benefit and not a limitation, be it visible or not. I like to think that maybe this is all a good thing.

So, this is all not to say, "I'm single and I own it." But more so, "I'm single and it may be for the best sometimes." Because in actuality, I don't own. I do have times when I throw myself pity parties and wallow in my solidarity, because I am second-year college student, and I can. I do have times when I would love to not be completely alone. I do wish I wasn't always the girl that gets pegged as 'always single.' (Though I do see how I of course play into it, after all I have started all of this by calling myself notoriously single.)

But, while something may be for the best, it may not feel the best.

I accept that. I accept that I'm not always to be able to fend off my feelings. I accept that as someone who has been fighting The Big D for years now, there will always be times where I just need someone. Someone to just be there, for me, just for me. And as someone who is trying her hardest to quit beating herself up, I'm just going to keep reminding myself that single is what I am, not who I am. That even when no one can be there I am more than capable of keeping myself together, of standing back up and trying again.

I am single. I spend most of my time alone. But I am more capable than I have ever been. I am more confident in who I am. And maybe most importantly, I have found that being alone is not a punishment, it's a chance to become whatever you want.

Marvelous Monday

Here we go, another Monday.

This one? Not as easy.

Yes, I went back to school today. And really, it wasn't as hard as it has been in the past. Still, I miss the comfort of being at home, the proximity to my friends, and the convenience of living in a house with a fully-stocked kitchen. Already.

All the same, I am here and I will be taking this semester on with the same (if not more) gusto as I did last semester. I have come to the fairly simple conclusion that I don't need to make this anymore difficult on my self. I will continue to work on keeping my resolutions, even when it's hard, and even when it's Monday.

Today, I loved not being devastated upon returning to school. It is a stellar feeling, really.

Friday Favorites

This is not original. But I'm refusing to stop this- this getting my groove back. I will use memes to get my groove back if necessary.

Favorite Surprise: A super quick ship from ModCloth! Which brought me this beauty-

Favorite Laugh: Okay, I spent a lot- really A LOT- of time watching Hulu this week. But my favorite clip was from SNL about three weeks ago (the Katy Perry ep.) I love Stefon and Seth, lovelovelove. This was no exception-

Favorite Quote: From a poem, by Rives.

"I just wish we just had letter writing sometimes. I am so spot on with the unspontaneous. I tell you that I miss you. Your face is untranslatable. My sky is absent now of everything but dullest overhead. Oh you, the vintage partner on my dance card. I can write you, I could tell you, I would show you, I should say, you know just “wow,” by the way."

Favorite Home: An old church became a dream home in southeast England

Favorite Aha-Idea: Bobby pins in a Tic Tac container.

Not Really Confessions of a Reader

In all fairness these really don't count as "confessions."

I am a reader. A proud, excited, always-reading-something, reader.

I have been this reader, this library-goer, this story-enthusiast, since I was about 9.

It was Tuck Everlasting that did me in. It was one of the oldest editions I've seen 'til this day, possibly even an original 1975.

That's what you get in a small private Catholic school with books older than some of the teachers.

It was thrilling, captivating, everything I had never had in a book before. And that was it. From there on out I carried a book with me wherever I went. Even if I didn't have a chance to crack it open, it was knowing that if given a few moments, I would have a story, right there in the palm of my hands.

Since then, I've been a reader. Yes, a writer too. But I am first and foremost a reader. An always reading more than one book at a time reader. A blog reader. A fiction reader. A news reader. An e-reader. And a book collector.

No, not hoarder, though some may argue differently.

I've got Kindle books, thrifted books, brand new books, hand-me-down books. I've got more books than I have time for. Right now I have more books that I haven't read than I have. And despite the fact that my 'to read' list keeps getting longer and longer, I getting more.

Just yesterday I stopped into my local second-hand book store to grab a copy of Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway.

Which, has a story entirely of it's own, that includes a lot of Ebay hunting and a free Amazon Kindle copy...another day.

I didn't need the copy, I wanted it. And I really did not need, nor did I really have the time, to spend the 45 minutes wandering through the tight aisles with creaky floorboards. But I did, and in the end, I walked out with my Dalloway and a copy of Kate Chopin's The Awakening. Not because I need it for class, actually I've already read it for a class. I got it because I wanted to have it as a piece, a part of my collection. It is one more book that, if I somehow find the time, and find my way through 40 or so other books, I can read, I can fall back into that story.

That is how I've acquired more books than I have room for. That is how I've found that I am currently in the middle of six books. That is how I have started to see that I have an amazing book collection that I so adore.

It's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. But I love them. I love all of the books I have. I love reading them. And marking them up. And caring them with me just in case. I love that I am a reader. That I have this backlog of knowledge that all started with a girl that figured out she could live forever.

Oh, if only this girl could live forever. The books she would read-oh, the books she would write.

I don't see it stopping anytime soon. Actually I only see it increasing, multiplying, gaining speed, and growing so much that I end up with a library. Which, really, wouldn't be too bad at all.

Marvelous Monday

Mondays. They have really never been my forté. I actually don't know anyone who is thrilled to see a Monday. Unless it happens to include cake. Or presents. Or both.

But the thing about a new year, and new goals, and new ideas on life, and all that jazz? Well, it includes (at least for this girl) a new look on Mondays. So, one new goal for Mondays, find something, one thing, big or small, that is just marvelous.

There is always going to be something. Always. And maybe eventually I'll be able to find a dozen. I've got this life that is just...really superb, and not enjoying it just because the day is labeled Monday is absolutely ridiculous.

So. Marvelous Monday 1. Here it is.

I loved: my breakfast. A delicious (a way healthy) strawberry yogurt with granola on top!

I liked: sleeping in. Way in. I slept embarrassingly late, but it was blissful.

I savored: the sun. The weather was outstanding. Well, for January in Vermont.

See, now that wasn't even that hard. And I could keep going if I really tried.

Here's to Mondays, good or bad!

Resolutionary

New year. New goals. New plans. New...well, resolutions.

I have, actually, quite a few. But in all fairness, I almost always have a lot of things on my mental to-do list. This month is just one more reason to add to that list.

First, and foremost: 1. Quit Beating Myself Up.

I am my hardest critic. (Aren't we all?) Before something happens, or I say something. After something has transpired, or I've made what feels like the dumbest mistake. I am so...relentlessly critical of myself. This year, while I know I will not be able to stop completely, I will ease up, slow down, work harder to be more gentle. It'll be good, I know it.

2. Keep Taking Chances.

I keep pleasantly surprising myself with the choices I have been making socially, academically, and...just in general. They have been making me happy, and excited, and hopeful, and I could not ask for more.

3. Keep Creating The Body I Want

This journey, starting more than two years ago now, has been...challenging, but so rewarding. In so many ways. It is not always easy to stick to, or see the results. But they are there, and I would love it if they stuck around.

4. Don't Give Up

I don't care how stupid, cliche, ridiculous, or unoriginal that sounds. I won't give up. I am going to keep going. I am going to keep fighting to stay above the water. I am going to keep working for my grades harder than I ever have. I am going to keep carving out this Miss. I am going to keep being this me that I love. No matter what.

5. Write.

2011 was hard on this writer-girl. Hard. Draining. Arguably, that will only make this year better, fill it with more potential, more content, more ideas. I live through my writing. It is who I am. And instead of letting the negatives cause a pause in what I can write, I am going try and let them fuel it. We'll see.

I know none of this is going to be easy. It hasn't ever been before. I know I am going to complain, and somethings will be left unfinished. But I spent a lot of time hoping things would change, and wishing for things to come around. I can't keep up that kind of life. It's boring, and just too sad. So here we go, 2012. With resolutions and high hopes.